若你爱我, 请改变我。

Alain de Botton今天的信,探讨一个情侣间敏感的话题。传统观点认为,若你爱我,就爱我的一切,包括容忍那些缺点。但是,爱之深度和弹性,在于两人不断的实现自我完善,让对方变得更值得爱。亚博赌博软件

Two people should see a relationship as a constant opportunity to improve and be improved. When lovers teach each other uncomfortable truths, they are not giving up on love. They are trying to do something very true to love: which is to make their partners more loveable.

在二人关系里,双方容易退化成笨拙的学生和老师——一方面不能容忍被“教导”,认为这是一种背叛;另一方面不能运用妥帖、委婉的方式提出建议,不是过分紧张,就是过分激动。当你提出善意的评判和指点,我时常情不自禁提高嗓门开始自卫,而你也灰心停止尝试。

因此两人之间的“师生关系“变成了禁区。对缺点的包容被说成是爱情最大的美德。

Alain de Botton给读者的慰藉,是让我们接受这种天生有缺陷的师生关系。那些窘迫的、别扭的坦白,应该看成是爱的标识——代表他/她在乎。

Rather than reading every lesson as an assault on our whole being, as a sign we are about to be abandoned or humiliated, we should take it for what it is: an indication, however flawed, that someone can be bothered – even if they aren’t yet breaking the news perfectly (our friends are less critical not because they’re nicer, but because they don’t need to bother: they get to leave us behind after a few hours in a restaurant).

我们都同意,真正的爱,会让人成为更美好的自己。这当中不仅有接纳,还应该有改变。

We should never feel ashamed of instructing or of needing instruction. The only fault is to reject the opportunity for education if it is offered – however clumsily. Love should be a nurturing attempt by two people to reach their full potential – never just a crucible in which to look for endorsement for all one’s existing failings.

Alain de Botton全文:

http://www.philosophersmail.com/relationships/if-you-loved-me-you-wouldnt-want-to-change-me/

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